Lex Luthor Hates Dentists

The elevator dinged as it reached the utmost floor of the corporate headquarters, Mercy Graves sat up from her spot in front of the C.E.O. desk, and a very bald man in a very fine suit stepped past the opening doors.

“How’d your appointment go?” The combat secretary asked in a rather disinterested tone, more asking just out of respect that interest.

Lex Luthor grunted dully in response, marching across the open expanse of his office, rubbing his hand lightly across his jaw as he took his seat behind his desk.

“That well huh?” Mercy smirked a little leaning back against Luthor’s desk as she crossed her arms and looked back to her boss.

Luthor looked up to her with subdued fury. “You’re an average woman Mercy.” He started.

“Gee you really know how to flatter a girl Lex.” She interrupted, but knew more was coming.

“You’re talented to be sure but let me ask you a question; you’re an average individual, maybe a little smarter than most; you see that someone has a stain on their tooth, upon close inspection this stain actually appears to be a hole. Now, do you, A: assume, as most rational reasonable people would, that this hole is a cavity and as such is likely to be sensitive to things such as pointed metallic prongs poking at it! Or, B: take your sharp and pointed metal prong, with which most people would not stab people in the arm, a far less sensitive site than a potential cavity, and poke it repeatedly into the hole in my tooth!” Luthor stamped his fist against the desktop.

“I take it they didn’t choose A?” Mercy smirked a little.

“No, they didn’t.” Luthor was less than amused, and still rubbing at his jaw. “It’s senseless really…” He growled into his hand.

“It does seem like they could’ve figure out it was a cavity some less painful way, x-rays maybe.” His secretary could practically hear the gears turning in his head.

“No, not that…” Lex rubbed his fingers against the edges of his lips. “Dentistry.”

“Dentistry?” Mercy looked back to him, obviously interested

“Yes, it makes no sense.” He was already more involved in his head.

“Uhm, earth to Lex. Dentists fix holes in teeth, sugar makes holes in teeth, seems to make sense to me.”

Luthor stood up, turning to his windows and looking down on Metropolis. “No, that’s just it, sugar doesn’t make holes in teeth, sugar feeds bacteria, bacteria produce plaque and plaque erodes teeth… regular brushing cleans plaque away, but it doesn’t get at the real problem… There are millions of bacteria living in our mouths, consuming microscopic amounts of whatever we eat…”

“Ew… remind me to use mouthwash after my next date.” Mercy dropped into her chair, Lex was in his zone, there wasn’t really much point in talking to him.

“It wouldn’t help.” Of course that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to talk to her. “Most mouthwashes are alcohol based, alcohol burns away bacteria but they’ll just come back… attacking the bacteria is pointless, it slows down plaque production but there has to be some way to completely eliminate it… ultraviolet would, no…”

“Hang on,” now it was Mercy’s turn to turn some gears. “Are you talking about making it so you don’t have to brush your teeth? Ya’know you could just lay of the caramel turtles Lex.”

“Bah! It’s stupid that no one has tried yet anyway, we as a culture have sent men to the moon, we’re landing probes on Mars, and yet we’re still bound to the conventions of our elders. Get me my-” Luthor spun.

“Computer?” Mercy had already laid out his laptop and started it up, even plugged in his password and turned his chair back toward him. “Here ya go Lex.”

“Excellent; this will render the whole Dentist-Industry completely obsolete, children and adults everywhere will know they have Lex Luthor to thank for never having to suffer through another root cannel!” The multi-billionaire wet his lips and hunched over his computer, fingers rapidly rapping against the keys as he typed as fast as he could. “We’ll fight bacteria with bacteria! Mercy! I need every report on plaque you can find; and get me a subscription to the premier dentist-journal of note; wherever people publish recent findings will be fine.” He was grinning ear to ear. “Let’s see some alien end tooth decay…”

---

One month later on the steps of Lex Corp Corporate Headquarters Lex Luthor, and his secretary Mercy Graves, stand before a barrage of cameras, and news reporters.

“And so with this latest breakthrough Lex Corp’s medical branch is proud to announce the advent of LexCrest bacterial toothpaste, and with this new invention we herald a new day for mankind, because from this day forward the entire Dental cleaning industry is rendered utterly obsolete. No longer shall men, women, and children have to suffer through the agonizing, excruciating pain of root canals, dental crownings, or regular and repetitive tooth cleanings...”

Intruiging, yet slightly funny. I love it!